Past and Present Intermission
by umbreonblue
Summary: Hoshitani's thoughts on what happened in the past and in the present. Past is only speculation. Set after Canon and before OVAs.
_' **Why**...am I here again?'_

Hoshitani was standing on the outdoor stage, looking towards the spot he was standing two years ago.

Sighing, he closes his eyes, reminiscing about everything that happened in the past to lead him this far.

 _'Ever since I can remember, I've been constantly smiling...but, that doesn't mean I'm as naive as I used to be._

 _I've been praised as a runner, the mood maker of my class, a meditator, and as an origami genius. However... I felt **empty**. **Lonely** even._

 _I mean, sure, I had lots of friends, but they always go off on their own. They leave me alone. **Always**. My friends from middle school must have forgotten about me already._

 _As for running and origami... I run because I **love** the feeling of the world trying to catch up to me. Sometimes it's the other way around though. Origami is just a hobby, a way for me to relax. I'm not a ' **genius** ' of anything, I'm just good at it. That's all._

 _I've never been angry for long...Then again, I've dealt with bullies before. Often, I end up in someone else's fights. I just can't help it. I can't ignore someone in need. I usually win though._

 _I like riding trains though! The people from all walks of life gathered together... I should know, I watch them. It might not look it but, I can notice even the slightest details, the details people hardly ever notice. Even the changes in people's expressions. It's been a talent of mine since grade school. Other than that, I mostly rely on instinct in social situations._

 _As for my loneliness... I've never had a childhood friend. **Ever**. So far, **no one's** been willing to stay with me any longer than necessary. It's fine though. **Really**! ... I'm fine, but... There's only **so much** a person can take on alone._

 _Still, I persevered, wandering in the darkness, hoping that **someone** would fill this gaping hole in my heart, who would show me the light._

 _Then, one rainy autumn day, **everything** **changed**._

 _I was trying to find shelter from the rain while on my way to the festival. I got lost though, and ended up on the outdoor stage._

 _There, I saw **him**. A high schooler with light hair, dancing. It was so graceful and beautiful, his hair glowing in the rain. Then, I saw a vision of feathers flying and black wings on him._

 _That was when I found light. The entire performance, and **he** captured my heart. It made me lose my breath. Then, I saw the emblem on his uniform. Immediately, I committed this to memory._

 _Noticing that he didn't see me, I ran off. Don't ask me why. I just...needed to catch my breath._

 _At home, I kept thinking about **him**. About that performance. He, it, was beautiful, inspiring, and looked like fun. Then, I decided that I wanted to meet him again. To be like him. **Maybe** , just **maybe** , he'll be the one to fill this hole in my heart._

 _So, I applied to Ayanagi Academy, and the rest is history. I met my teammates, rivals, friends, the Kao Kai, upperclassmen, and most importantly, Otori Itsuki._

 _I..was quite useless. I know that I was an amateur back then, that I had to work harder than anyone else, to prove myself to everyone, even at the cost of my health. I..don't want to be a **burden** to anyone anymore._

 _Sure, it was a tough road for me, but worth it. My teammates and rivals, my friends, helped me grow and be who I am today. The upperclassmen and Kao Kai are nice, but can be very strict with the rules at the worst times._

 _Then, there's Otori Itsuki. He is our senpai, our coach at one point, but not any more. He decided to sacrifice himself for our sakes. **Without even consulting us**. I was very depressed then. I... **liked** him more than I thought I did._

 _Once we found out why he left, I was just about to start crying. Finally, I emailed, and confronted him. I had to choose between staying by his side and giving up our dreams, or leaving him so we can fulfill our dreams. I chose to leave him. I cried and cried all night after that._

 _The day of the festival, Nayuki confessed to me. I said that I loved our team in response. **I know.** That was **harsh** , but... I just don't feel the same way. I'd rather be friends with him, then lose him **forever**. Then, we...had some trouble with the stage, and ended up doing a guerilla performance despite the consequences. It was great! Otori even came back to watch. I gave him a big hug after._

 _However, Team Otori got disbanded after that incident. I have no regrets though... **OK, I lied**. There's only **two** things I regret._

 _I regret not telling Otori that I know he's the high schooler I saw that day._

 _ **Yes. I know.** It took me awhile to put it all together, but **I know**._

 _The other thing I regret is not telling him how I feel... That **I love him. I'm genuinely in love with him.** But after next year, I...might not be able to see him **ever** again. Just the thought of it makes me want to cry... **No no. There's still time!**_

 _I...want to thank him. **For everything** so, I'm getting the guys to practice and preparing a graduation performance for him. It'll be a long and hard road ahead, but we can manage. I have a plan... I hope.'_

Opening his eyes, Hoshitani realizes that it's raining...and that he's crying again.

"An actor smiles when he wants to cry, huh," Hoshitani says to himself as he remembers what Otori said to him once, smiling, tears and rain still falling down his face.

Sighing again, Hoshitani stretches, then walks to his dorm room, planning to get some orange juice, faking a smile so as to not worry Nayuki, then goes to bed, exhausted from all that crying and remembering the things he'd rather forget but never will.

 _'I wonder...will **anyone** notice my true feelings, or will I be all **alone** again?'_


End file.
